25 June 2012

On writing for myself (and how it changed me)

Behind the scenes of this blog, I write for my self. Personal things I think about, private life happenings and the like. I originally created this blog as a way to lightheartedly share my life with those I cannot be physically close to. I hope some day my blog is read by those I don't know, sharing my life with them as well.

I try not to write too much about my feelings. I like to write on here about what I know, what is happening. If feelings spill over because of some subject matter I am writing about that particular day then I am ok with it.

For me, my personal time cuddled up with a journal and my thoughts is some of the best and cheapest therapy around. I treasure the alone time I spend writing. In the same light, I have found that writing on a blog about what I love to do also makes for good therapy. As I write about my actions, not just my thoughts, I realize how the life I lead on paper comes out in my day to day life. Some how writing down what I actually do makes light of the hopes and dreams I have privately written.

This makes me very happy. This was not the case for a long time.

I would be lying if I said I was always happy with my life. Sure, I liked it well enough, but it was not the life I saw inside myself. I was not true to my voice, my values or even my wants. I did things because I thought I was suppose to or it looked good on paper, summarizing that this is how life is. This is not to say I did not learn from these experiences or hate where my life was going, it was just not me.

I hid behind flowery words of what could be, what should be. I assumed, very wrongfully so, that what I didn't say was understood by others and myself. I did not take the time to evaluate my decisions. I did not share my real feelings. I thought "some day this will work out" or "something or someone will change eventually" or even worse "other people will some day realize my real feelings".  

Notice to my real self: This rarely, if ever happens. People don't change just because I think they can. Things don't always just work out perfectly, some things require hard decisions and lots of effort. People aren't mind readers, and I should not expect them to be.

These realizations came at a transitional period of my life. A new relationship, a lost relationship, a location changes, a new job and a new sense of self. My realizations fueled some wildfires in my life. They caused big changes, some I was not ready to deal with. Nevertheless, change can happen swiftly with little notice for preparation. This does not mean I am not in charge. In fact, taking charge immediately is the best thing I could do.

Taking charge is hard. Really hard some times. So hard that I still struggle with the courage to do so. Some days I can do it with ease and grace, others days I contemplate for hours.

For me, taking charge meant confrontation, something I used to dread. It meant telling people the truth, not in the pointing fingers way but an honesty that can be difficult for others to handle. While I am always sorry I have to hurt people's feelings, the build up of not saying what was on my mind, hurts me too.

Changing my attitude about life made me grow, but it can be painful. 

So here I am, changed and in charge. In charge of my feelings, sharing those feelings and not just expecting things to change eventually. I make changes as I go, making my life the way I envision it. Writing all my thoughts down still helps greatly, as does checking in with my real life.

Am I following what is in my heart? Am I being true to my values? Is this what I really want to say? Do my actions reflect my feelings? Is this what I want to do?

I still write about what I want life to look like, but the best part is living it just that way. As difficult as some choices have been in the last few years, I am exactly where I want to be.

Always, EAA

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