I have developed a strange relationship with running and my season in life. I feel pulled in two directions. Constantly. It is a little unnerving. It wasn't always like this.
On one hand, I want to spend as much time as possible with my little one. Especially since I am back to working 40 hours a week. It is hard to leave him each day and then get home each night to spend maybe 4 hours together before he is ready for sleep. I want to soak up as much cuddling, laughing and playing as possible. He is only going to be this little once.
On the other hand, I want to run. It feels great. I love the time doing one of my favorite activities. I love being outside, getting fresh air and tired legs. The strength running gives me makes me a better mother, a better wife. I find solace in being alone for even just a quick 3 miles. I miss running competitively. I miss the hard workouts followed by exhausting long runs that add mileage to my running log.
Plus add on top of that a very busy husband trying to make his way through medical school.
I create instant craziness in my head.
I go back and forth with this dilemma more that I care to admit. I spend more time worrying about the days that go by without a run then what I am going to make for dinner. I am in a constant state of battle within. I want to run, to be in shape but I want to be there for my son.
I ask myself where the middle ground is, where can I compromise. If I get less sleep will that really allow me to have a good run or will it just lead me to crankiness. Other mothers do it. It must all be possible. I can do it all.
The reality is, I can't. Not right now. Not given the circumstances, the life strings that are being pulled are not in my favor. Life has changed, so must this season of running.
I want it to be easier to admit, but the first stage of self-forgiveness must be admitting what I am doing wrong even when it is hard. It is hard to tell my inner collegiate athlete that running 6 miles a day just isn't going to happen right now.
But that is the important part of that realization. It isn't going to happen right now. Not that it won't in a month, a year or many moons from now. It is ok. Life has seasons, and my season is parenthood right now. Next season might get a little easier.
Writing it, speaking it out loud is good. I need that reconciliation with myself. I need to allow myself to embrace the change.
I know running will keep me healthy, help me get my body back. And I will do what I can, when I can. 5 am on days it works, in the dark when it doesn't. Being healthy can me a quick walk with the little guy, a swim or even a good 20 minute yoga session during nap time.
I need the grace from myself more than anything. More than new running shoes to help motivate, I need a long deep breath allowing myself to be ok with my wants, selfishly or unselfishly. I can make it through this.
It isn't going to happen now. But some day it will again. And I will be so glad.
(I still have that marathon and 100 mile race on my running to do list, don't worry)
This song sums up how I feel about running right now. Thank you Mumford and Sons.